Come on home, and turn me on…

Last week, as I was driving into downtown Nashville to work with a couple from the mid-West for their 3-day Relationship Reboot Retreat, Nora Jones’ sultry, sexy voice floated through my speakers.

I'm just sitting here waiting for you

To come on home, and turn me on…

I had a flashback, of seeing Nora years ago in Los Angeles.

I was with my friend Tina, who was in the wake of an intense break-up. I was, in fact, her unexpected +1, now taking her ex-boyfriend’s seat. 

With the fresh air kissing our faces, and deep night sky setting the mood, I put my arm around Tina to console and comfort. Beautiful as they were, Nora’s love songs were adding salt to her emotional wounds.

Love songs hurt sometimes – just like they did that night at The Greek. But other times, they inspire.

Just like they did on I-65, as I drove out to my couple’s retreat immersion. 

Like a flower waiting to bloom , Like a lightbulb in a dark room

I'm just sitting here waiting for you, To come on home and turn me on

I belted out what I could remember of the lyrics. But then, something hit me. 

After all, you're the one who turns me off

But you're the only one who can turn me back on

These words encapsulate the very way in which we give away our erotic power to others. 

Is It Your Partner’s Responsibility to Turn You On? 

I love this song, I really do. But this song, and a thousand others like it, reinforce the cultural norm that getting turned on is automatic…and, that it's our partner’s responsibility to flip the switch.  

The song’s words highlighted one of the KEY issues I was working on with my clients, and frankly, a key problem in most relationships. 

This is problematic on a number of levels, but for starters, when we abandon our own responsibility to co-create or develop our own desires, we set ourselves up for the inevitable downward spiral of low sex drive.

Every new couple experiences the honeymoon phase: fireworks like you’ve never experienced, because everything feels new and inspiring.

Then, your relationship moves to the habituation phase: fireworks, shmireworks. Been there, done that. You’ve grown accustomed and have diminished response.

It’s science. 

Spontaneous Sexual Desire vs. Responsive Sexual Desire

I would classify the Nora Jones’ Turn Me On libido style as Spontaneous Sexual Desire.  And yes…it’s hot. 

Rip my clothes off, lustful, can’t get enough of you hormone overdrive of a new relationship. When the sight or thought of them does, in fact, instantly turn you on. Scientifically speaking, it’s the Singer Kaplan model + Masters and Johnson model when the physiological desire precedes sexual arousal or activity.

So while Nora’s not entirely wrong, this spark that many complain of losing is biologically present for a few months to a few years: i.e., the Honeymoon Phase. 

There are some exceptions for those with very high testosterone, but when what feels like spontaneous turn-on suddenly drops because of the biological and physiological phase of habituation sets in, many interpret this as relationship game-over. 

We all have that friend who’s addicted to new relationship energy, and bounces from honeymoon phase to honeymoon phase.  After all, spontaneous sexual desire is what’s celebrated in the media as the end-all, be-all.   

But where the rubber meets the road, and what I teach to sustain the romance, sex and intimacy in long-term relationships, is Responsive Sexual Desire.  

Sadly, when intimacy starts to fade, many couples move into a tolerating mode, or a survival mode.  Love may still be there…but they yearn for that spark to kick in on its own, and when it doesn’t, wonder why their partner isn’t coming home to turn them on. 

But working with women and couples in my somatic embodiment approach fuels responsive sexual desire. With more mastery and commitment to cultivating responsive desire, many have reported that spontaneity starts to show up.  In other words, the pilot light has been relit, and the flame is on high!

I was recently gifted the book Desire by Drs. Lauren Mersy and Jennifer Vencill in which these concepts are discussed elegantly and accessibly.  Responsive and spontaneous response model was introduced by Dr. Rosemary Basson in 2000 (following the spontaneous-only model of Singer Kaplan in 1980) and became popular when Emily Nagoski wrote about it in her bestselling, Come as You Are. 

So what is Responsive Sexual Desire?

How Responsive Sexual Desire Affects You

Responsive sexual desire is when desire gets ignited in response to physical stimulation, leading to arousal sensations (vs. spontaneous, in which desire and arousal comes before physical stimulation). 

My inbox is filled with comments like, “I want to feel desired. I want to desire. I miss our old ways of sex. I don’t know what happened to our sex life. I feel like we’re roommates.  S/he isn’t turning me on. We have emotional blocks that shut down intimacy. Sex feels like a duty.”

And while it’s not surprising to get these very common but hardly discussed at-large real relationship issues (except for the stand-up comic who asks who’s married in the crowd and then cynically congratulates them on their now celibate lifestyle, to which everyone laughs because laughter = resonance!), I’m incredibly proud of these folks who are actually assessing what is…and declaring what they want.  

Sometimes, we have clarity of what we don’t want, but since this world of embodied authentic intimacy as a path toward developing responsive sexual desire is so unknown, it’s often hard for people to put into words what they want.  

But they know it when they feel it. 

And therein lies the rub! To feel. 

Why Feeling Is Scary

Feeling is scary for many. We numb ourselves out with alcohol, antidepressants, or scrolling … and when we think of feeling erotic or sensual, it feels so far removed from our reality, for many, becoming part of the 50% divorce rate for first-time marriages and starting over feels like an easier route. 

However, since second marriages end at an even higher of 60-67%, I’d say doing the work of healing intimacy wounds, learning how to prioritize your pleasure, understanding your sexual style, how to nurture it, and cultivating intimacy is the medicine you need.

Touch is Medicine

Embodiment is the tonic that connects you to your body’s needs, so that touch can truly be accessible, nourishing, and healing.  

Cue my Nashville Relationship Reboot Retreat. 

A 41-year-old female client recently did Relationship Reboot on her own. Here’s what she told me:

“Do you remember that one moment when I was on the massage table, and I murmured, "wow.” I still feel and remember that moment, days later. It felt like a shift in brain waves, as though I entered a deeper, calmer state. If I could put it into words, it felt like my 'doing' mind, the one constantly scanning the situation from the outside, finally powered down, and in its absence...I became all body. Which processes things much more slowly than my mind does...and in that way...sensation is much more delicious.”

Her goal was to learn to quiet her busy mind, so she could feel deeper levels of pleasure, both solo and partnered, that satiated and nourished her.

A 52-year-old wife of 34 years said:

“I came to Dolly with an undisclosed sexual trauma history.  She guided me through unwinding shame, settling my nervous system and quieting my mind so I could begin to listen to what my body needed. 

Her foundational work with me (via Zoom) led my husband and I to her Nashville couples' retreat.  Over 3 days, Dolly held space for us and, just as importantly, she held time. 

We had time to develop intimacy, promote healing, and feel embodiment.  She intuitively shared her knowledge, energy and playful spirit.  We left with a deeper connection as a couple and felt such a release and healing for myself. You changed my life!”

Her 59-year-old husband said:

“My wife and I had the most powerful pleasure enhancing experiences as a couple and as individuals!  We dealt with trauma, shame, and even my ED.  We learned many new and exciting ways to boost our sexual experiences and most importantly I believe, we now have the knowledge and new skills we’ll use to take our relationship to new heights of intimacy we never before imagined were possible.”

To learn about my somatic embodied approach to responsive sexual desire, and to give yourself focus and time to rewire and re-learn what pleasure is for your body, sign up for my private curated Relationship Reboot in Nashville. 

You’ll get to stay in a luxury 1-bedroom apartment to enjoy the accommodations and Nashville nightlife on your own. During the day, I join you there for our session work.

I launched this program Fall 2023 and the only regret from my clients has been that they didn’t give themselves an extra day in their itinerary. I’m booked for the rest of the year, but am interviewing and accepting applications with launch price deposits for Jan, Feb and March 2024.

Prices will go up in the new year as I’m limited to 2-3 retreats per month. 

Let’s get you started so you can stop waiting to get turned on! (Sorry Nora!) 

Get the agency and access to embodiment skills that allow you to turn yourself on deeply and profoundly.  Then you’ll discover that your partnered interactions are blank canvases for erotic collaborations that deepend ecstasy, connection, and remind you why you fell in love in the first place.

Move over Nora. Alexa, play “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye.