Butt Seriously…why would anyone want anal sex?
Which anal sex category best describes you?
You’re curious about anal.
You’ve tried anal and it wasn’t good.
You like it and include it once in a while.
You love it and it’s part of your routine.
No matter your category, you can definitely make it feel better. But first, let’s examine why you might feel resistant.
The BIGGEST Anal Mistake People Make
When it comes to anal, the BIGGEST mistake people make mirrors the same one they make with penis-in-vagina intercourse: they rush.
They don’t prepare, warm up, or arouse the anatomy properly. Instead, they rush to “stick things in” and hope the body will sort itself out.
This kind of stumbling in the dark approach only does one thing: it teaches the body to contract and protect itself from an unwelcome invasion, which usually includes breath-holding, pain, and tolerating the activity until said invasion is over. No bueno!
All this does is create negative neural pathways that activity down there is neither safe, nor pleasurable.
Starting Fresh With Anal Sex
Anal sex is typically defined as penetration of the anal sphincter. This can be performed with a penis, a finger, or a toy: think butt plugs, dildos, and strap-ons.
When the anus is warmed up with breath, massage, lubrication, and gentle touching, it will relax, instead of putting up a shield.
You start feeling pleasurable sensations.
Sensations that build up toward arousal.
And maybe – just maybe – you start craving more.
If you’re new to anal, or trying to redeem a bad anal sex experience, here’s my best advice: Go slow.
Be patient, whether you’re the giving partner or the receiving one. Have zero expectation that penetration will happen. Instead, stay connected and collaborative, listening to the body and what it authentically wants.
Let the anus get used to touch and attention.
Many stay away from this area because of its connection to waste, and consider it an ‘exit only’ zone. Meanwhile, some like it for that very reason: they’re attracted to the taboo nature of it all.
Both are legitimate feelings. But consider a third option.
The anus is a place of hidden orgasmic potential.
Anal massage alone can be deeply relaxing, even comforting. But anal play can also feel really exciting.
For men, they’ll quickly discover the pleasure of prostate stimulation. The prostate is located a couple inches inside the rectum, and it’s the equivalent of a woman’s G-spot!
There’s a ton of untapped pleasure available for men – literally and figuratively – when the prostate gets direct stimulation. Think incredibly deep, internal orgasms.
Many heterosexual men assume that if they like anal penetration, that makes them gay. No darlin’. It simply means that you are curious to expand your pleasure menu. And if you do this with self-touch, anal toy accessories, or invite a female partner or a sexological bodyworker to help you explore this area, you’re still playing for the same team. You’ve just got more ways to feel good!
The women who most naturally love anal sex are those whose perineal sponge is highly pleasurable.
The perineal sponge is an erectile bed located at the bottom of the vagina. If you imagine a clock down there, it’s at the 6:00 position – meaning your perineal sponge can be stimulated from the rectum.
When my clients do Vaginal Mappings to explore erectile beds of the vulva and vagina, they sometimes find that touching the perineal sponge rates high on their pleasure meter. If so, they’re a strong candidate for enjoying anal penetration – even double penetration, with a penis/toy/finger inside both the anus and the vagina.
Ok, hold on Dolly, you’re talking about one area being penetrated and now you’re talking about two? Yes. But this is something to work toward if (and only if!) you discover it feels good, and turns you on.
Best Positions + Technique for Anal Penetration
For women who spend time warming up the area on their own following my Rosebud Massage advice, you might be ready to invite a penis (owner) to the party. I recommend you straddle him.
Straddling him is the best position to put the woman in the driver’s seat, controlling the pace, pressure and rhythm. She can arouse, tease and engorge her clitoris and other vulvar erectile beds, which I teach in my vulva mapping course.
Warm Up + Go Slow
After the anus has been warmed up with massage, she can tease the head of the penis at the anal sphincter, taking in a little bit at a time. This way, she can receive what she’s ready for. And because the rest of the erotic anatomy has been tended to, it will generally lead to more excitement.
What typically doesn’t feel good for a woman new to anal sex is the in and out of penetration. But when she straddles him, she slowly consumes him, taking control of the penetration. Having him inside of her can feel like a big accomplishment and exhilarating if the body is well prepared. Now, she can move her body on top of him, rubbing her vulva and clitoris on his pubic area. She may even want to play around with angling her bottom to allow for a bit of in and out. And of course, if she’s new to this, she can always practice first with a dildo.
For men new to anal, exploring anal self-massage can be very helpful. I recommend a finger, smaller toy, or prostate massager to get the most benefit. Since teaching prostate massage is a popular request I get as a sexological bodyworker, I should tell you that adding penis massage while the prostate is being stimulated feels quite arousing. As in, he should get ready for the most mind-blowing intergalactic climax of his life!
Last minute tips for exploring anal play
Shower before and after.
NEVER put fingers, toys, or penises into the vagina after it’s been in the anus. That will lead to a UTI. You can, however, put a toy, finger or penis that’s been in a vagina into an anus, without first washing up.
If you’re concerned about fecal matter, schedule a colonic or give yourself an enema the day before. I don’t recommend doing it on the same day because that’s a lot for your anus to handle.
Never feel bad for adding disposable gloves to your sex supplies, whether you’re touching yourself or a partner. I always use a glove to give my husband a prostate massage, and keep my other hand ungloved for penis massage.
Cut your nails. Ladies, if you want to give your male partner a prostate massage, trim your nails so as not to tear the delicate anal lining. Or, use a toy.
After hearing about all of these options for anal play, notice if you feel excited or repulsed. Either is fine. No judgment. You never have to do anything you don’t want to do.
The anus is the great equalizer among the sexes. We all have one! Save this article for when you’re feeling anal-curious – or share it with someone you’d like to explore with.