The Not-So-Great Libido Hijack
We EXPECT sex and desire to be natural. To be spontaneous. To be ever-present.
And then when it’s not, we think we’re broken. Or we blame our partner.
Take a moment to consider if you are open and honest about sharing your intimate desires? Erotic curiosity? Secret kinks? Or your sexual frustrations?
And by sharing, I mean to look at, assess and express your inner truth, not just with a partner, but with YOURSELF! Most of us start out in a relationship with big ideas, then realize that life quickly gets in the way of prioritizing these topics that, after a while, seem like whipped cream or sprinkles on a sundae… nice to have but not really necessary.
Before we can introduce Erotic Expansion 2.0 that includes whipped cream or sprinkles, let’s talk about what STOPS us from prioritizing the basics of sex and intimacy:
* Stress
* Shame
* Desires don’t match
* Pain or Trauma
* Overthinker
* Lack of practice
* Don’t know whatcha don’t know
* Fatigue
* Boredom
* Medical Issues
* Not a priority
* Disconnected
When the libido decreases over time for some or all of these reasons, it becomes a vicious circle and then it becomes ACCEPTED BEHAVIOR to stop having sex and intimacy in marriage, long term relationships, or long-term single-ship. And if you think a new partner will solve your issues, just give it some time and the vicious circle will most certainly repeat.
Women and Couples seek my support to help them re-ignite their libido. And while I have my PleasureMuse bag of tricks, my first stop?
The Nervous System.
Before sex can happen, intimacy is the healing elixir. And to access intimacy, we must address our NERVOUS SYSTEM. The Nervous System is the common denominator of every issue on the list above that STOPS people from connecting intimately with themselves or with a partner.
But what happens when my Nervous System gets hijacked? How can I support others when my pilot light’s been diminished?
The STRESS of our move to Nashville, Tennessee that we decided to do within 48 hours in August of 2020 in an effort to help my stepson in the midst of the Covid-19 Pandemic who was struggling on a number of fronts began chipping away at my neural foundation.
Packing, coordinating, putting my LA practice on hold, renting our Hollywood home, setting up a crash pad for future LA visits, selling housewares and furniture, setting up and canceling utilities for multiple locations, supporting my husband with parenting and ex-wife issues, and finally, getting on a plane to a city I’ve never seen to a home we rented online… made it necessary for me to get on an antidepressant because I could not function amid my random outburst of tears and tension.
Forget Calgon, now you know why I needed Lexapro to take me away!
I don’t regret needing to lean on the antidepressant to get me through that transition. But over time, I noticed my pilot light was getting dimmer and dimmer.
I say I’m a Sex and Relationship Coach, but truly, I’m an Embodiment Specialist who teaches you how to connect with your body to feel so you can be at choice with what you want to feel.
The antidepressant stopped my uncontrollable tears, but it also stopped me from feeling much of anything else. I was a walking contradiction. Teaching others to feel while I was feeling less and less.
Someone else who was feeling less and less was my stepson, whose name and medical issues I will keep private, but I will share that our relocation was his request. Despite our efforts, one month led to another and more issues began piling on. Instead, his illness progressed in a downward spiral.
And so did my connection with my husband, Jason. The stress and the mismatched parenting approaches, not to mention the challenge of being a stepparent (let’s be honest, it sucks donkey balls), created a thick wall between us. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t unfriendly. It was just not the erotically curious, explorative, and seductively playful relationship we’ve known.
We were in survival mode.
Like other couples, once we could admit that we’ve been tolerating living on breadcrumbs and that we wanted more (yes, it’s OK to want more!), then we had to move past another EXPECTATION:
I can’t just push a button to reset my libido! The almighty, powerful CLIT does have its limits.
We got glimpses of the relationship we’d curated for so many years when Jason would put on music. It seemed to transport us, soothe our souls, and help me move my body, which is usually my upturn go-to. But even though we could sometimes find laughter with a Netflix binge, sitting on separate sides of the couch was starting to become the norm. I hadn’t really noticed the pattern was becoming habit until I took inventory:
PleasureMuse Intimacy Milestones
Assess where you are on your journey (the facts)
Determine where you want to go
Lay out your route
Is your partner on board and if not, do they know about it?
Get support to keep you on your path
Navigate roadblocks
Do your solo work NOW: Procrastination delays reaching your destination
I chose to get off the antidepressant as part of my solo work to break down the invisible wall around me that was even starting to desensitize my skin.
I wanted to feel. Even if that meant I needed to feel my sadness, fear, rage, or anger.
I always tell my Vulva Mapping clients: it’s worse to feel numbness. To move out of numbness, you might feel pain, sadness, or anger, but when you can unwind that, you’ll then move to a place of neutrality, which then allows you the option to layer in pleasure.
We were trying to layer in pleasure with our 5 acre country home that we acquired in the spring of 2021 and with our newly adopted dog, Charley, who, for the record, rescued us, not the other way around!
While my husband and I were connecting on the “doing” of all this set-up and lifestyle changes, we were still being challenged on the “being.” Yes, I had weaned off Lexapro in a slow, doctor guided way, but the stress, continued family health issues, and our fatigue kept the emergency break of our sex-life in place. And now, I was feeling its effect much more.
To address my PleasureMuse Rule #1 of addressing the Nervous System, I integrated: Cranial Sacral therapy, Reiki, Somatic Experiencing, Massage, Structural Integration, Angel Intuitive, Colonics, Facials, Yoga, Cardio, & Meditation.
All of these began to nourish my senses and somatically awaken me as I noticed the invisible wall keeping me from even wanting to interact with Jason began to melt... finally!
After experimenting with a lot, I kept only what really resonated with my body, mind and soul to become the modalities and practitioners I needed to build my own Nashville support team. Yes, even a Somatic Practitioner like me needs to get on-the-table to receive.
I was feeling clarity and more centered in my body; more able to address the conflict and challenges that my stepson’s illness was presenting. And on the evening my husband and I had to make a big decision for the care of my stepson, I drew a candle lit bath and asked Jason to join me.
Our bathtub is a bit awkward to lay in because it’s a rounded triangular shape. But on this particular night, I found just the right angle to lay my bare chest on top of Jason’s hairy chest, finding my happy place. Synching the rhythm of our breath and co-regulating our nervous system as we held each other was the foremost therapy we could have received.
By quieting our minds, letting our bodies feel, and surrendering our hearts and souls in what felt like a vulnerable state of defeat, a spark reignited to reconnect our spirits and our bond. Our solo work created the time and space we needed to build this bridge back to each other.
Our nervous systems felt resourced, grounded, and comforted. This was the key we needed to unlock our intimacy towards one another which then put sex back on the map as a possibility. I finally felt like I arrived home.
So now when my hubby asks, “What can I do to make your life more pleasurable?” I say, “Oh if you help regulate my nervous system, I’ll bring the whipped cream and sprinkles.”