The Crisis of Disconnected Sex and How to Overcome It

​If I were to poll 100 sexy people—whether dating, in a long-term relationship, playing the field, or awakening to their own vibrant, sexual selves—how many of them would you bet step into a sexual experience seeking … Disconnected Sex? I’ve yet to meet one person who went into a romantic relationship fantasizing about how deliciously disconnected the sex would end up. Yet, I hear about it a LOT! Who hasn’t been there at some point, right?
 
You know how it goes… sex begins to feel routine, like a means to an end. It isn’t as fun as it used to be. Your partner doesn’t seem so “present” anymore and thoughts are consumed by what needs to get done later that day. Maybe you’ve stopped feeling comfortable in your own skin—or just feeling a bit numbed out.
 
These are the typical issues that I repeatedly hear from clients, and they speak volumes to the overarching crisis I call DISCONNECTED SEX.
 
So, what exactly is Disconnected Sex? I define it as a lack of authentic, vulnerable and embodied presence during a sexual experience or the intimate moments leading up to it—most often, heavily fueled by the fear of being fully seen and deeply discovered.
 
“Whoa, Dolly! You’re placing a pretty tall order in some sensitive terrain, here.” You might be thinking. “I’ve only just met you and you want me to be authentic, vulnerable AND embodied? ... I don’t even share my most intimate thoughts with my lovers!”  
 
Exactly! And therein lies the rub!
 
When it comes to Sex—despite how prominently placed in advertisements, movies and pop culture—when we’re pressed to speak about it, share our most intimate desires or its relevance in our lives, we seem to shut down.  We think, “Oh, that’s private.” So I ask, “Private for whom?” This is where my work has proven to be so successful for individuals and couples.
 
So, if you’re tired of the insecurity and complacency that’s come from allowing disconnected sex to become the status quo, I have a standing invitation for you! Dig deeper by reflecting on the possibility that you may be keeping your most private thoughts, feelings and sensations not only from your partner, but from yourself as well…..and I am here to help!
 
Not quite sure if you’re having disconnected sex? Here are just a few of the signs to consider:
 

• you or your partner just want to get it over with
• there’s limited to no eye contact
• you’re ashamed about your body, your desires or what you want to do with it
• you’re waiting for your partner to give you an orgasm
• you feel pressure that it’s your job to “get your partner off”
• you don’t talk about sex in-between your sexual experiences
• the frequency of sexual experiences seems to be dwindling or has ceased
• fantasies about sex with a new partner/porn are more exciting than the real deal
• you are craving something else, something more …

 
Have you ever heard the saying, “Wherever you go, there you are?” It’s the very same with sex, and it’s not going to fix itself. We place so much pressure on our partners (or turn towards drugs or alcohol) to elicit our wild side and help us loosen up. Even my clients with a plethora of partners still feel a yearning, an insatiated craving for something that’s…missing.
 
No matter how many partners you try, how many positions or locations you try out, connection can begin to deteriorate, because your own inner landscape and erotic nature is covered up with a casual façade that says you’ve got things handled, when in reality, you fear that your vulnerable parts that you’ve carefully covered up or perhaps have yet to discover yourself, will be unraveled, judged and rejected.  You might blame the feelings of disconnection on your partner, but it starts within yourself.
 
Through my work with clients, I have found the path to discovering and preserving true conscious connection is by taking inventory of your INTENTION at the beginning of any erotic situation.  Some questions to ask yourself:
 

• What is my intention? 
• What am I noticing in my body? 
• What actions/habits do I engage with?
• What results do I expect?
• What results am I getting?
• What am I unwilling to look at or consider?

 
It’s only during this intention evaluation and then in your intention setting, that you can begin to shift your paradigm from doing sex to being with it fully (whether in a solo or partnered situation).
 
Of course we want partners who validate us, who share in our passion for life and connection, BUT ultimately, others reflect what we believe to be true about ourselves. One of my favorite children’s books, Going on A Bear Hunt, says it best, “You can’t go under it, you can’t go around it, you can’t go over it, you have to go through it.”  Yes, my friend, it’s time to turn the focus on yourself, to take inventory of how you’re showing up, and evaluate what’s stopping you from relating with yourself on a deeper level. 
 
Becoming aware of INTENTION is step one to unraveling the crisis of disconnected sex.   With measured and clear intentions, you can proceed to the next steps that bring hot, ravenous, luscious and satisfied erotic connections.